I've been thinking for some time what to put in this post. It is difficult to summarize what the last year has been like. Sometimes, I can't believe that it has already been a year. That mental shift of time, from recognizing months to recognizing years, seems like a milestone. It puts distance between the rawness of losing your loved one and the memories of them. I think of Dan everyday. Every Single Day. Usually multiple times a day, and I wonder when that will change.
This past year I lost two grandmothers. I was fortunate enough to be able to travel back to NY to see one of them just a few weeks before she passed. An incredibly strong woman, my great grandma Thomas was widowed in her 50's. She was the only person in our immediate family, who was still living, that had experienced what I was now facing. I asked her "when does time heal the pain"? Before she said anything, her eyes filled with tears, and I knew my answer. The pain never really goes way. Not even after 45 years. She told me that this is an opportunity to summon all my strength or let this situation ruin me.
I can say that I have chosen the path of strength. This past year I have sold our vacation home, returned to school full time to complete my accounting degree, volunteered at Jack's school in the classroom and with the PTA, traveled, socialized with friends, and most recently, returned to work full time with the State of Idaho. Jack had a wonderful year in first grade, learned to read, played soccer and basketball, went to Legoland (twice!), hosted our annual Halloween party, and finished his 3rd summer of swim team where he competed in the Butterfly and did amazing. We have chosen to honor Dan by continuing to live our lives, the best that we can.
This doesn't mean it has all been smooth sailing. Losing a husband and father is an emotional roller coaster, with highs and lows and lots of turns in between. Jack and I are still seeing our counselors which has been so important. I don't know when the roller coaster ride ends, maybe it doesn't. Maybe it simply slows down and the fear and sadness are a little less intense. What I do know, is that despite everything, Jack and I are very blessed. The lord has shown us a path and surrounded us with friends and family who lift us up and carry us (especially me) when we've got nothing left to give.
Thank you to all of you, who have followed our story, who have prayed, meditated, and shared words of encouragement. With that gratitude comes the difficult decision I've made to end this blog. This blog was started as a way to share information about Dan's condition and evolved into a journal of events, or simply moments, in our family. It was important to me to continue it after Dan's passing, because I myself have often wondered what happened to the loved one's of friends and acquaintances that we lost. It feels like time to move forward, to write the story of our life now. Does that mean a new blog? I am not sure. I don't know that our daily life is all that exciting. If I do decide to start a new blog, I'll post the link here. But until then, please know that Jack and I are doing well, thankful for the love, direction, and grace of God, and knowing that some day we'll see Dan again in heaven.
Much Love,
Jen
Thursday, August 13, 2015
Thursday, March 5, 2015
Counseling and Prayers
It's been several months since my last update. As to be expected, the holiday's proved to be a challenge. With all the focus on family and traditions, you are faced with the reality that your family is now radically different and your traditions are no longer the same. But that is not to say that it was all bad. It was great to be with family and Christmas day proved to be quite the blowout for Jack. To say that we all overcompensated for his first Christmas without dad would be an understatement! I am fairly certain any toy he happened to mention he liked, even if just in passing, ended up under the tree! However, the next few days were tough as the heaviness of the situation and the let down of the holiday settled over us.
After the events of the last two years, I really try to not wish time away. However, I wasn't sad to see 2014 go. It was a tough a year, and there is something about the start of a new one that holds so much promise. I started the year off with a bang by taking a girls trip to the Caribbean for a week, followed by starting school full-time at NNU to complete my accounting degree. If all goes well I should graduate in 18 months. The rest of the time has been filled with our everyday stuff: school, friends, swimming, and just overall staying busy. Jack and I are both seeing counselors and it has helped us tremendously to process the past events and what life looks like moving forward.
All in all, we are doing well. I know that life can be a roller coaster, and there will be times when the grief strikes hard, but I feel like we are equipping ourselves with the tools we need to get through it. We miss Dan and talk about him daily. He is still very much a part of our everyday life. Jack prays every night for God to "give him a big hug and kiss for us". It helps him to finish his day with a smile and provides some peace as he rolls over to drift to sleep. I thank God everyday for my sweet now SEVEN year old who has his daddy's heart. It is a wonderful legacy that Dan left behind.
Thank you all for your continued prayers, love, and support.
Jen
After the events of the last two years, I really try to not wish time away. However, I wasn't sad to see 2014 go. It was a tough a year, and there is something about the start of a new one that holds so much promise. I started the year off with a bang by taking a girls trip to the Caribbean for a week, followed by starting school full-time at NNU to complete my accounting degree. If all goes well I should graduate in 18 months. The rest of the time has been filled with our everyday stuff: school, friends, swimming, and just overall staying busy. Jack and I are both seeing counselors and it has helped us tremendously to process the past events and what life looks like moving forward.
All in all, we are doing well. I know that life can be a roller coaster, and there will be times when the grief strikes hard, but I feel like we are equipping ourselves with the tools we need to get through it. We miss Dan and talk about him daily. He is still very much a part of our everyday life. Jack prays every night for God to "give him a big hug and kiss for us". It helps him to finish his day with a smile and provides some peace as he rolls over to drift to sleep. I thank God everyday for my sweet now SEVEN year old who has his daddy's heart. It is a wonderful legacy that Dan left behind.
 |
| A picture from Jack's Pokemon themed birthday party. |
Thank you all for your continued prayers, love, and support.
Jen
Saturday, November 15, 2014
Hope
As is usual, it has taken me several attempts to write this post. I write, reconsider, edit, ponder, and finally post. In the past that has been due to trying to decide how much information to put out-getting the main points across clearly and pointedly with minimal emotion to cloud the message. But now, there is no information to be concise about, no medical terminology to explain. It is all emotion. The facts are easy, Jack is doing great in school and is learning to read, I am working part-time, getting ready to go back to school in January. The day to day tasks still go on, as if nothing has changed. The difficult, if not physically painful part, is opening yourself up and sharing the emotion. This is an area that I am not comfortable with, and therefore makes it difficult to blog. Much more so than I expected.
All the business of Dan's passing has been completed. His estate has been settled, transactions that were in motion prior to his death have been finished, services to honor him have been held. During that time I had tasks to do-the logic part of my brain was still fully engaged allowing the emotional part of my brain to lay in wait. Now that there are no more items on the checklist I feel a bit lost. Everything moving forward is on my own, a position prior to two years ago I never expected. The uncertainty of a new life, in combination with a brain which is suddenly on emotional overdrive, make for a roller coaster of a ride! Thankfully, I have made contact with a wonderful grief counselor who is helping me to process, not just the last few months, but the last couple of years.
The emotion is not limited to just me, but also creeps in for Jack on occasion. He is a remarkable kid, so perceptive, and understands death far too well for a 6 year old. He misses his daddy, and sometimes that comes across as sadness, but sometimes it comes across as a fun memory. We talk about Dan daily, and I am so happy that Jack talks to me about how he's feeling. His teacher and school counselor both remark how well he's doing. I know tough times could come for him, he's got a lifetime of events and memories Dan can't be there for. But I've got several people in place to help him should/when the need arrives.
Overall, we are doing alright. We still have a lot of firsts ahead of us, and it is hard to say what kind of emotions the holidays will bring up. But logically, I know that the intensity of the sadness will not continue forever. (See, that logic part of my brain is fighting to regain control!) And on some days I get a little glimpse of that. I know that I still have a lot of emotion to work out, ups and downs to get through. A friend recently wrote me to have HOPE. Hope and faith that God has a plan for Jack and I and that good times are ahead for us. I believe in hope.
Since I am not sure when my next post will be, here is to wishing all of you a Happy, Healthy Holiday Season. May the Lord Bless You!
Jen
All the business of Dan's passing has been completed. His estate has been settled, transactions that were in motion prior to his death have been finished, services to honor him have been held. During that time I had tasks to do-the logic part of my brain was still fully engaged allowing the emotional part of my brain to lay in wait. Now that there are no more items on the checklist I feel a bit lost. Everything moving forward is on my own, a position prior to two years ago I never expected. The uncertainty of a new life, in combination with a brain which is suddenly on emotional overdrive, make for a roller coaster of a ride! Thankfully, I have made contact with a wonderful grief counselor who is helping me to process, not just the last few months, but the last couple of years.
The emotion is not limited to just me, but also creeps in for Jack on occasion. He is a remarkable kid, so perceptive, and understands death far too well for a 6 year old. He misses his daddy, and sometimes that comes across as sadness, but sometimes it comes across as a fun memory. We talk about Dan daily, and I am so happy that Jack talks to me about how he's feeling. His teacher and school counselor both remark how well he's doing. I know tough times could come for him, he's got a lifetime of events and memories Dan can't be there for. But I've got several people in place to help him should/when the need arrives.
Overall, we are doing alright. We still have a lot of firsts ahead of us, and it is hard to say what kind of emotions the holidays will bring up. But logically, I know that the intensity of the sadness will not continue forever. (See, that logic part of my brain is fighting to regain control!) And on some days I get a little glimpse of that. I know that I still have a lot of emotion to work out, ups and downs to get through. A friend recently wrote me to have HOPE. Hope and faith that God has a plan for Jack and I and that good times are ahead for us. I believe in hope.
Since I am not sure when my next post will be, here is to wishing all of you a Happy, Healthy Holiday Season. May the Lord Bless You!
Jen
Sunday, September 14, 2014
1 Month
Today was 1 month since Dan's passing. I don't know that it needed to be a milestone, but I made it one. It was constantly in the back of my mind this week, anticipating what today would feel like. Leading up to this day, I've worked to bring things back to a "normal" state for Jack. He's back in school, enjoying first grade, and playing soccer. We are spending time with family and friends and enjoying the last few weeks of summer like weather. I have returned to work and things are moving forward. I am trying hard to stay present and not get lost in the swirl of emotions that threaten to swallow me up. But today I got lost in it. I was sad, and struggling, and because it wasn't a great day for me, it wasn't a great day for Jack. It's been discussed many times how wrong it seems that life just carries on when someone dies, that it feels like we should stop the world and grieve as some type of honor to them. And I have fully agreed with that idea, until today. Today I let my world stop and grieved and it didn't feel like an honor to Dan at all. To honor Dan is to move forward, to enjoy our lives, and remember all the wonderful ways he had been, and is, a part of our everyday. That doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt sometimes, or that we don't think about how much we miss him and wish he could be here. It just means that we work through that grief and keep living through everyday. Stopping and getting stuck in the sadness and inequity of losing Dan is not good for me, nor is it good for Jack. But without today, I don't know if I would really understand this. This is not an easy journey, there will be ups and downs, and very well may be another moment like today. And that's okay. Because tomorrow is another day and all I can do is take it one step at a time. I have a lot to be thankful for, and I don't want to miss out on my life with my amazing son, so I keep moving forward.
Wednesday, August 27, 2014
Moving Forward
I have been contemplating what to do with this blog now that Dan has passed. It always seems so abrupt when the last post is someones death, because as we all know, the journey doesn't end there. While Dan is no longer physically on this earth, his spirit and memories continue to live on in all of us. And I believe that we will continue to see Dan's influence interlaced through the remainder of our lives. The title of our blog is Our Life….Interrupted, and it is still interrupted. Selfishly, as part of my own healing, I am going to keep this blog going for at least the next year. I can't say how often I will post, but I feel it's important to record this new interruption. Please feel free to continue to follow along in the journey with us.
For those of you who were not able to attend, Dan had a beautiful service last Friday. I so appreciate everyone who attended, and apologize if I was not able to visit with you. It was wonderful to see that Dan was so loved and well thought of. Thank you also to all those who sent flowers, and made donations to Young Life and the Boise Rescue Mission in his honor. For those in Minnesota, a service is still in the works, I am just awaiting the final details.
Many blessings to you all,
Jen
For those of you who were not able to attend, Dan had a beautiful service last Friday. I so appreciate everyone who attended, and apologize if I was not able to visit with you. It was wonderful to see that Dan was so loved and well thought of. Thank you also to all those who sent flowers, and made donations to Young Life and the Boise Rescue Mission in his honor. For those in Minnesota, a service is still in the works, I am just awaiting the final details.
Many blessings to you all,
Jen
Thursday, August 21, 2014
In Memory of Dan
When I was finalizing the schedule for Dan's funeral service on Friday I considered, for a brief moment, speaking at the service. I quickly came to my senses in that I will be much too emotional to speak in front of a group, and that the message of my love for my husband would be lost. So it is here that I give my eulogy to the amazing man I was blessed to call my husband and best friend.
Dan and I met on match.com; it has been fodder for many years amongst he and I. After speaking for a couple of weeks we realized that he was a regular member of the downtown YMCA, where I also worked. We likely had crossed paths before, but in the hustle of getting in and out, hadn't stopped to notice. I always believed we were destined to meet. Dan won me over with his kind spirit, infectious laugh, love for life, and the candy that he brought to me before each date…better than flowers! Ironically, it was a cancer scare with me that moved along our wedding plans. We realized that life could be short and what was the point of dragging out a long engagement?
The next few years were spent exploring…exploring by travel, exploring in melding two lives together, and exploring our faith. While I had always believed in God, I was not a student of the bible. Dan very much was. I was often in awe of the scripture he could recite or the passages he could reference off the top of his head. He loved the lord, and while he wasn't one to push or preach, he was always happy to share with someone interested. This was where I struggled. When Dan and I first married, I couldn't pray out loud with him. Even if no one else was in the room. I was self conscious. Dan was gentle and encouraging and over time praying together became a source of centering and support. His love for the Lord was demonstrated everyday.
Our life together was filled with adventure and fun. Dan was always on the move, wanting to share his love of all things outdoors. Once I was properly outfitted with all the correct gear, I grudgingly admitted that there could be joy and entertainment found in all four seasons. No adventure was bigger or more rewarding than becoming parents. The love and pride that radiated off Dan from the moment that Jack entered this world was unmatched, even by myself. For those of you who don't know-Jack was a horrible sleeper for about the first two years of his life. Dan would put him in the Baby Bjorn, wrap him in blankets and spend an endless amount of time walking around our neighborhood, all the while talking to him. As Jack grew, the experiences grew….swimming in the river, fishing, skiing, and even white water rafting. But Dan enjoyed the everyday things just as much. There was no hesitation in running through the sprinkler, or searching for bugs in the garden. Bath and story times were moments to be cherished. Never a day went by without telling Jack how proud he was of him.
When we received Dan's cancer diagnosis it was like a gut punch. How does this happen to a healthy 45 year old man? To add insult to injury, Dan faced the arduous task of having to relearn to walk as a side effect of his tumor surgery. Despite all the treatments, therapy sessions, and doctor's appointments, Dan never stopped fighting. His determination to live and continue to be a part of our world is beyond what anyone would have expected. What could have broken him, us, or our family, was handled with such grace and determination that only God himself could have bestowed. We traveled, rafted, entertained friends and family, and ate more dessert than is probably healthy. But most importantly, over the last 21 months, he lived. And we cherished every moment of it.
I feel so incredibly blessed to have spent the last 10 years with Dan. I know that I am forever changed by him, and I couldn't be more grateful. His love for me was unconditional and in this day that is all too rare of an occurrence. The loss of Dan is profound, sometimes suffocating. But I know, without question, that I will see him again someday in heaven. Like Dan, Jack has a very strong faith in God and we've had many conversations this week about daddy being with Jesus. He is certain that daddy is now an angel and I think he is probably right. And there is comfort, in knowing that Dan is watching over all of us….smiling that big grin with the dimples and basking in the light of the Lord.
For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways;
Psalm 91:11
Dan and I met on match.com; it has been fodder for many years amongst he and I. After speaking for a couple of weeks we realized that he was a regular member of the downtown YMCA, where I also worked. We likely had crossed paths before, but in the hustle of getting in and out, hadn't stopped to notice. I always believed we were destined to meet. Dan won me over with his kind spirit, infectious laugh, love for life, and the candy that he brought to me before each date…better than flowers! Ironically, it was a cancer scare with me that moved along our wedding plans. We realized that life could be short and what was the point of dragging out a long engagement?
The next few years were spent exploring…exploring by travel, exploring in melding two lives together, and exploring our faith. While I had always believed in God, I was not a student of the bible. Dan very much was. I was often in awe of the scripture he could recite or the passages he could reference off the top of his head. He loved the lord, and while he wasn't one to push or preach, he was always happy to share with someone interested. This was where I struggled. When Dan and I first married, I couldn't pray out loud with him. Even if no one else was in the room. I was self conscious. Dan was gentle and encouraging and over time praying together became a source of centering and support. His love for the Lord was demonstrated everyday.
Our life together was filled with adventure and fun. Dan was always on the move, wanting to share his love of all things outdoors. Once I was properly outfitted with all the correct gear, I grudgingly admitted that there could be joy and entertainment found in all four seasons. No adventure was bigger or more rewarding than becoming parents. The love and pride that radiated off Dan from the moment that Jack entered this world was unmatched, even by myself. For those of you who don't know-Jack was a horrible sleeper for about the first two years of his life. Dan would put him in the Baby Bjorn, wrap him in blankets and spend an endless amount of time walking around our neighborhood, all the while talking to him. As Jack grew, the experiences grew….swimming in the river, fishing, skiing, and even white water rafting. But Dan enjoyed the everyday things just as much. There was no hesitation in running through the sprinkler, or searching for bugs in the garden. Bath and story times were moments to be cherished. Never a day went by without telling Jack how proud he was of him.
When we received Dan's cancer diagnosis it was like a gut punch. How does this happen to a healthy 45 year old man? To add insult to injury, Dan faced the arduous task of having to relearn to walk as a side effect of his tumor surgery. Despite all the treatments, therapy sessions, and doctor's appointments, Dan never stopped fighting. His determination to live and continue to be a part of our world is beyond what anyone would have expected. What could have broken him, us, or our family, was handled with such grace and determination that only God himself could have bestowed. We traveled, rafted, entertained friends and family, and ate more dessert than is probably healthy. But most importantly, over the last 21 months, he lived. And we cherished every moment of it.
I feel so incredibly blessed to have spent the last 10 years with Dan. I know that I am forever changed by him, and I couldn't be more grateful. His love for me was unconditional and in this day that is all too rare of an occurrence. The loss of Dan is profound, sometimes suffocating. But I know, without question, that I will see him again someday in heaven. Like Dan, Jack has a very strong faith in God and we've had many conversations this week about daddy being with Jesus. He is certain that daddy is now an angel and I think he is probably right. And there is comfort, in knowing that Dan is watching over all of us….smiling that big grin with the dimples and basking in the light of the Lord.
For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways;
Psalm 91:11
Saturday, August 16, 2014
Funeral Service
Dan's funeral service will be held Friday, August 22 at 2pm at the Vineryard Boise church. The Vineyard is located at 4950 N. Bradley, off Chinden/50th Street. A reception will immediately follow at the church. Dan's burial will be private, for family only. Funeral arrangements are being handled by Accent Funeral Home in Meridian. I have added a link to their website below.
In lieu of flowers, you may donate to Young Life Southwest Idaho (an organization that Dan spent many years volunteering with and supporting) or the Boise Rescue Mission (Dan believed in their mission and strongly supported). There are links to both organizations through the funeral home's website. If you do feel inclined to send flowers and are looking for a florist, I have added the website of the florist handling the service flowers.
I am blessed that Dan and I had the time to prepare for this day, and were able to make all of his funeral and burial arrangements prior to his passing. It has taken a load off of me during this incredibly difficult time. Thank you all for your messages of love and support for Jack and I.
Accent Funeral Home
Hillcrest Floral
Young Life
Boise Rescue Mission
For those of you in Minnesota-Dan's mom, Freddie, will be planning a memorial service in Brainerd for sometime in the next couple of weeks. The details haven't been worked out yet, but once they are I will let you know. Jack and I are planning on attending. I'll keep you posted.
In lieu of flowers, you may donate to Young Life Southwest Idaho (an organization that Dan spent many years volunteering with and supporting) or the Boise Rescue Mission (Dan believed in their mission and strongly supported). There are links to both organizations through the funeral home's website. If you do feel inclined to send flowers and are looking for a florist, I have added the website of the florist handling the service flowers.
I am blessed that Dan and I had the time to prepare for this day, and were able to make all of his funeral and burial arrangements prior to his passing. It has taken a load off of me during this incredibly difficult time. Thank you all for your messages of love and support for Jack and I.
Accent Funeral Home
Hillcrest Floral
Young Life
Boise Rescue Mission
For those of you in Minnesota-Dan's mom, Freddie, will be planning a memorial service in Brainerd for sometime in the next couple of weeks. The details haven't been worked out yet, but once they are I will let you know. Jack and I are planning on attending. I'll keep you posted.
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