1 Month

Today was 1 month since Dan's passing. I don't know that it needed to be a milestone, but I made it one. It was constantly in the back of my mind this week, anticipating what today would feel like. Leading up to this day, I've worked to bring things back to a "normal" state for Jack. He's back in school, enjoying first grade, and playing soccer. We are spending time with family and friends and enjoying the last few weeks of summer like weather. I have returned to work and things are moving forward. I am trying hard to stay present and not get lost in the swirl of emotions that threaten to swallow me up. But today I got lost in it. I was sad, and struggling, and because it wasn't a great day for me, it wasn't a great day for Jack. It's been discussed many times how wrong it seems that life just carries on when someone dies, that it feels like we should stop the world and grieve as some type of honor to them. And I have fully agreed with that idea, until today. Today I let my world stop and grieved and it didn't feel like an honor to Dan at all. To honor Dan is to move forward, to enjoy our lives, and remember all the wonderful ways he had been, and is, a part of our everyday. That doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt sometimes, or that we don't think about how much we miss him and wish he could be here. It just means that we work through that grief and keep living through everyday. Stopping and getting stuck in the sadness and inequity of losing Dan is not good for me, nor is it good for Jack. But without today, I don't know if I would really understand this. This is not an easy journey, there will be ups and downs, and very well may be another moment like today. And that's okay. Because tomorrow is another day and all I can do is take it one step at a time. I have a lot to be thankful for, and I don't want to miss out on my life with my amazing son, so I keep moving forward.