One Year Later

I've been thinking for some time what to put in this post.  It is difficult to summarize what the last year has been like. Sometimes, I can't believe that it has already been a year. That mental shift of time, from recognizing months to recognizing years, seems like a milestone. It puts distance between the rawness of losing your loved one and the memories of them. I think of Dan everyday.  Every Single Day. Usually multiple times a day, and I wonder when that will change.

This past year I lost two grandmothers. I was fortunate enough to be able to travel back to NY to see one of them just a few weeks before she passed. An incredibly strong woman, my great grandma Thomas was widowed in her 50's. She was the only person in our immediate family, who was still living, that had experienced what I was now facing. I asked her "when does time heal the pain"? Before she said anything, her eyes filled with tears, and I knew my answer. The pain never really goes way. Not even after 45 years. She told me that this is an opportunity to summon all my strength or let this situation ruin me.

 I can say that I have chosen the path of strength. This past year I have sold our vacation home, returned to school full time to complete my accounting degree, volunteered at Jack's school in the classroom and with the PTA, traveled, socialized with friends, and most recently, returned to work full time with the State of Idaho. Jack had a wonderful year in first grade, learned to read, played soccer and basketball, went to Legoland (twice!), hosted our annual Halloween party, and finished his 3rd summer of swim team where he competed in the Butterfly and did amazing. We have chosen to honor Dan by continuing to live our lives, the best that we can.

This doesn't mean it has all been smooth sailing. Losing a husband and father is an emotional roller coaster, with highs and lows and lots of turns in between. Jack and I are still seeing our counselors which has been so important. I don't know when the roller coaster ride ends, maybe it doesn't. Maybe it simply slows down and the fear and sadness are a little less intense. What I do know, is that despite everything, Jack and I are very blessed. The lord has shown us a path and surrounded us with friends and family who lift us up and carry us (especially me) when we've got nothing left to give.

Thank you to all of you, who have followed our story, who have prayed, meditated, and shared words of encouragement. With that gratitude comes the difficult decision I've made to end this blog. This blog was started as a way to share information about Dan's condition and evolved into a journal of events, or simply moments, in our family. It was important to me to continue it after Dan's passing, because I myself have often wondered what happened to the loved one's of friends and acquaintances that we lost. It feels like time to move forward, to write the story of our life now. Does that mean a new blog? I am not sure. I don't know that our daily life is all that exciting. If I do decide to start a new blog, I'll post the link here. But until then, please know that Jack and I are doing well, thankful for the love, direction, and grace of God, and knowing that some day we'll see Dan again in heaven.

Much Love,

Jen

Counseling and Prayers

It's been several months since my last update.  As to be expected, the holiday's proved to be a challenge. With all the focus on family and traditions, you are faced with the reality that your family is now radically different and your traditions are no longer the same. But that is not to say that it was all bad. It was great to be with family and Christmas day proved to be quite the blowout for Jack. To say that we all overcompensated for his first Christmas without dad would be an understatement! I am fairly certain any toy he happened to mention he liked, even if just in passing, ended up under the tree! However, the next few days were tough as the heaviness of the situation and the let down of the holiday settled over us.

After the events of the last two years, I really try to not wish time away. However, I wasn't sad to see 2014 go. It was a tough a year, and there is something about the start of a new one that holds so much promise. I started the year off with a bang by taking a girls trip to the Caribbean for a week, followed by starting school full-time at NNU to complete my accounting degree. If all goes well I should graduate in 18 months. The rest of the time has been filled with our everyday stuff: school, friends, swimming, and just overall staying busy. Jack and I are both seeing counselors and it has helped us tremendously to process the past events and what life looks like moving forward.

All in all, we are doing well. I know that life can be a roller coaster, and there will be times when the grief strikes hard, but I feel like we are equipping ourselves with the tools we need to get through it. We miss Dan and talk about him daily. He is still very much a part of our everyday life. Jack prays every night for God to "give him a big hug and kiss for us". It helps him to finish his day with a smile and provides some peace as he rolls over to drift to sleep. I thank God everyday for my sweet now SEVEN year old who has his daddy's heart. It is a wonderful legacy that Dan left behind.

A picture from Jack's Pokemon themed birthday party.

Thank you all for your continued prayers, love, and support.

Jen