As is usual, it has taken me several attempts to write this post. I write, reconsider, edit, ponder, and finally post. In the past that has been due to trying to decide how much information to put out-getting the main points across clearly and pointedly with minimal emotion to cloud the message. But now, there is no information to be concise about, no medical terminology to explain. It is all emotion. The facts are easy, Jack is doing great in school and is learning to read, I am working part-time, getting ready to go back to school in January. The day to day tasks still go on, as if nothing has changed. The difficult, if not physically painful part, is opening yourself up and sharing the emotion. This is an area that I am not comfortable with, and therefore makes it difficult to blog. Much more so than I expected.
All the business of Dan's passing has been completed. His estate has been settled, transactions that were in motion prior to his death have been finished, services to honor him have been held. During that time I had tasks to do-the logic part of my brain was still fully engaged allowing the emotional part of my brain to lay in wait. Now that there are no more items on the checklist I feel a bit lost. Everything moving forward is on my own, a position prior to two years ago I never expected. The uncertainty of a new life, in combination with a brain which is suddenly on emotional overdrive, make for a roller coaster of a ride! Thankfully, I have made contact with a wonderful grief counselor who is helping me to process, not just the last few months, but the last couple of years.
The emotion is not limited to just me, but also creeps in for Jack on occasion. He is a remarkable kid, so perceptive, and understands death far too well for a 6 year old. He misses his daddy, and sometimes that comes across as sadness, but sometimes it comes across as a fun memory. We talk about Dan daily, and I am so happy that Jack talks to me about how he's feeling. His teacher and school counselor both remark how well he's doing. I know tough times could come for him, he's got a lifetime of events and memories Dan can't be there for. But I've got several people in place to help him should/when the need arrives.
Overall, we are doing alright. We still have a lot of firsts ahead of us, and it is hard to say what kind of emotions the holidays will bring up. But logically, I know that the intensity of the sadness will not continue forever. (See, that logic part of my brain is fighting to regain control!) And on some days I get a little glimpse of that. I know that I still have a lot of emotion to work out, ups and downs to get through. A friend recently wrote me to have HOPE. Hope and faith that God has a plan for Jack and I and that good times are ahead for us. I believe in hope.
Since I am not sure when my next post will be, here is to wishing all of you a Happy, Healthy Holiday Season. May the Lord Bless You!
Jen
